First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
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I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh