me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
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Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.