Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
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Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
A drum solo but on your face.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave