Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
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I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
how to exercise your calf muscles
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute