[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
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Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”