*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
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[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed