Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
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Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Extremely relatable.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.