Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
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I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”