After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
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It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
ibopfufen
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
When someone says you are so lazy
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.