It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
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“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.