a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
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From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”