When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
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[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Awwwww shit.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
meanwhile over on facebook
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.