“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
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my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Mornin
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.