Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
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date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”