I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
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“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??