[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
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You deplete me
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
our love story in four pictures
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.