DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
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Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?