Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
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I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
A leaf blower, but for people.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
When they try to steal your moment.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
shut up and take my money