Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
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Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
life finds a way
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.