My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
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Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
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My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug