*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
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Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.