A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
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me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Doggies just call it style.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install