Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
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History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.