me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
You Might Also Like
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I found your tweet-up…
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it