What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
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My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
new career option?
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.