Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
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Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Real House Wines.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…