wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
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*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words