Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
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Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I don’t hate children, just yours.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
it be like that
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Choose your fighter
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him