Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
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interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.