Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
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7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I finally found a reason to live again.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.