Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
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Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing