[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
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– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.