The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
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[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
This was the best day of my life
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.