My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
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Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.