flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
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Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
s
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Damn he played himself
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
mom had nothing to worry about
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.