You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
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My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.