you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
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STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
How do you milk an almond?
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box