when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
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Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.