Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
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Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
🍞🦆
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
LMAO.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind