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@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
How can I say no to this ?
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner