Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
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I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
no refunds
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.