No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
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I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.