god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
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finally found a reasonable question
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
A French press is when you hug naked
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock