INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
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Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner