Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
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“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
TEETH IS INNOCENT
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.