When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
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they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.