In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
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My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate