The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
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My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.