I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
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Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
same vibe as tangled headphones
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.