Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
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Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
rise and shine we got egg
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.